


I Was Quiet but I was not Blind

by Meg_kate



Category: AUSTEN Jane - Works, Mansfield Park (1999), Mansfield Park - Jane Austen
Genre: Angst, Baby Gay, Big Gay Feelings, Canon Universe, F/F, Fanny is bad at feelings, Gay Awakening, Lesbian, Pining, Sexual Tension, confused Fanny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23671639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meg_kate/pseuds/Meg_kate
Summary: Fanny develops Big Gay Feelings for Mary but it takes her a little while to figure it out.
Relationships: Mary Crawford/Fanny Price
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	1. So this is jealousy

So this is jealousy.

Fanny Price was not generally a jealous person. She was content with her role and lot in life and didn't yearn for those things which she didn't have. True, her life at Mansfield Park wasn't glamorous compared to the other ladies of the house, but why would she wish for finer gowns or wealth when she had the freedom to think and write to her heart's content? Fanny knew that this freedom was unique, that if it weren't for her lower station, she would have stricter limits in order to make a good impression on society and marry well. The idea of being married off to the highest bidder made Fanny's insides turn to ice, so she was immensely thankful that she would likely be spared that particular fate. As long as she had her little attic, her best friend Edmund, and plenty of writing paper, there was nothing and no one that could cause the ugly beast of jealousy to rear it's head in her breast.

She thought.

This all changed the day Mary and Henry Crawford arrived at Mansfield Park. The two siblings blew into the estate like a summer storm bringing the household to a quivering halt with their sly charms and devilish good looks. As soon as Fanny's eyes beheld the handsome woman, she felt her pulse quicken and a blush begin to creep upon her cheeks. Mary's face was flushed from travel, and her eyes sparkled with mischief; an expression that sparked a longing deep within Fanny's heart. So this is jealousy, she mused to herself. How else to explain the breathlessness with which she watched the dark haired woman saunter into the grand house?

Mary captivated the attention of everyone in the room, so it was only natural that Fanny be drawn to her as well. Jealousy, she decided, is what made her fixate on the curve of Miss Crawford's lips as she smiled radiantly. It must be jealousy that made her lock eyes with the beautiful woman from across the room and hold that glance for several breathless moments. Never before had Fanny longed to be the center of attention, but she wanted it now. For the first time she wanted to be seen and admired, she wanted to be the cause of flushed cheeks and racing hearts, in the way that Miss Crawford was now. Yes, it was jealousy that made Fanny Price long to cross the drawing room and press herself roughly against the fair form of Mary Crawford until there was no separation between the two of them.

Fanny's feelings only escalated when, with a short but meaningful glance at Fanny and Edmund, Mary removed her outer coat and revealed the entirety of her fashionable gown with it's incredibly modern neckline. Mary was certainly beautiful before, but it was obvious just how breathtaking she was now and each breath she took only strengthened the spell she cast over Fanny. Inexplicably, Fanny couldn't tear her eyes away from Mary's long neck and sharp collar bones. Her eyes trailed along the expanse of pale skin now exposed across those delicate shoulders and down the deep plunge of the revealing bodice. She yearned to place her fingertips on the figure before her, just to verify that she was, in fact, a living breathing human being. She longed to breathe in all the air in the room, until Mary was all she could taste and smell. She wanted to sink her teeth into Mary's soft flesh and consume her to understand who she truly was. 

Fanny wished her heart would stop racing.

In a haze Fanny observed the conversation of the room, heard herself disagreeing with the idea of performing a scandalous theatrical in their living room, but the whole while couldn't break from her visual exploration of Miss Crawford. Her eyes traced every inch of Mary's slender figure, burrowing into every curve and crevice to find an explanation of her charms. How could such dark eyes shine so brightly? What hidden thoughts lay behind that mischievous smirk? How -

How could such a soft bosom lie below such sharp shoulders?

Fanny sighed, jealousy was very new to her and she needed a rest.


	2. Obsessive Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fanny can't stop thinking about Mary, alone in her room she gives in to the obsession and drowns in the memories of the day.

Fanny's bedroom was cold and damp, it got very little natural sunlight and there was no fire to fight against the near constant attacks of the cold winds. Inside there was only the barest essentials; a small, hard, bed, two mismatched chairs, and of course her writing desk with it's mass of papers and pens. There was little comfort and certainly nothing lavish, but to Fanny the room was a sanctuary. In this drab place she could escape to worlds of her own creation where no one had to worry about their future or their marriage prospects. At her small desk she could fill pages with mysterious dreams and unspoken fantasies without reality getting in the way of her imagination.

After her day with the Crawford siblings Fanny desperately needed her sanctuary.

That night she closed the door and felt the tightness of her little room for the first time in all her years of living at Mansfield Park. Her thoughts were loud and her heartbeat seemed to echo through the chamber like an accusatory bass drum. Fanny pleaded with her soul to quiet it's unrelenting turmoil as she lit the lamp near her writing desk. Without any friends at Mansfield Park, Fanny had only one person to turn to in times of emotional distress, her sister Susan. Though it had been many years since they had seen one another, they wrote letters frequently and were each other's closest confidants. If there was anyone who could help her understand this newfound jealousy, it would be Susan. Fanny took a shaky breath before beginning the letter to her sister.

The jealous fire in Fanny's heart had dimmed to a few smoldering embers during the course of the day, but now with nothing but her own mind to distract her, it roared back to life. Images of Mary swarmed Fanny's head as her hands feverishly flew across the paper. That strikingly pale face crowned with her chic mess of dark black curls, those dark and taunting eyes that had so intensely stared in Fanny's own, those deep red lips and her small smirking mouth. Fanny's chest tightened as her memories tormented her with the image of Mary's strong chin and long elegant neck.

Mary swirled through Fanny's thoughts like tantalizing ghost. Dizzily, Fanny recalled the long black dress she'd worn and how it had clung to the tiny waist of the mysterious woman. With overwhelming envy she imagined becoming the bodice that so tormented her; fully enveloping the other woman until all she could feel was soft skin and the pressure of shallow breaths. Fanny's eyes fluttered closed, surrendering to the temptation of long, delicate, limbs and bewitching black lace.

Suddenly a loud cry from a nightingale outside her window pulled Fanny from her fevered reverie. With a sigh she looked down to review what she had written in her letter, only to immediately crumple the paper and throw it into the bin. It was too much, far too much, to go on about this woman in the way she had written down. So what if she had never experienced this emotion before? Jealousy was not an excuse for loosing control of oneself and giving in to the slightest temptation of obsession. Fanny had dealt with many changes in her life and she wasn't going to let one woman drive her from her hard fought peace, no matter how intoxicating her collar bones were. With a firm resolution, Fanny stood up from her desk and made her way to bed.

For a long while the tormented girl lay restlessly in her bed. Nothing was amiss; writing papers had been straightened up, the desk lamp was put out, Fanny had washed up and changed into her nightgown, but sleep was far from her. She stared up at the ceiling listening to the quiet sounds of the night mingling with the rush of her racing heart. In the intimacy of darkness she let herself remember one last moment from her afternoon with the Crawfords.

_When Mary caught her eye from across the room everything in Fanny's mind told her to make an excuse and run away, but her feet stayed rooted in place. Her pulse quickened and her breathing shallowed as the tall woman slowly crossed towards her. Mary didn't stop until she was only inches away from Fanny, near enough that she could smell her intoxicating perfume. Near enough she could almost taste her._

_"Aren't you a treat," Mary practically purred in her ear "I didn't expect to find so much beauty in this place however -"_

_Mary's words trailed off as her eyes slowly trailed down the woman in front of her. Fanny stopped breathing. No one had ever called her beautiful before, and she had never wanted them to. Beauty was something for other people, not for outspoken young women who preferred a pen and parchment to a new dress. Even so, Fanny could feel every inch of her body burn with pleasure as she submitted to Mary's excruciating gaze. Mary's dark eyes seemed to consume Fanny as they made their way from the curve of Fanny's hip and up the gentle slope of her neck. Mary paused for a moment, looking hungrily at Fanny's soft pink lips before the corners of her mouth curled into a slight smirk and she leaned in to whisper in Fanny's ear._

_"We're going to have such fun"_

The bedroom was deadly quiet but Fanny's heart was thunderously loud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this will stop being pure angst at some point but I'm having too much fun with my panicked baby gay for the moment. Leave a comment, let me know what you like/don't like and I'll update again soon!


	3. The Ghost of Your Lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fateful dinner snaps Fanny's feelings into focus

As the days passed it gradually became easier for Fanny. She learned to control her breathing and calm her heart before walking into a room, trained her eyes to look away from the beautiful woman at regular intervals, forced her limbs to stay put when they yearned to gravitate towards the most magnetic person in the room.

Of course, it wasn't easy and she had to stay constantly vigilant in order to maintain her indifferent attitude. Without a response from her sister to her desperate letter, she was forced to take matters into her own hands in order to control her feelings. To this purpose she gave herself a set of simple rules to follow;

_How to Handle Jealousy_

  * _Do Not smile or laugh at any of her jokes_


  * Do Not initiate conversation with her


  * Sit at least two chairs away from her at meals


  * Make sure at least two other people are in the room when she is present
  * Never gaze at her for longer than 10 seconds



When creating the rules Fanny had worried that she may appear standoffish and cold, that those around her would interrogate her changed demeanor. She had never been particularly social around Mansfield Park, but her self imposed regulation of behavior around the Crawford's would still be out of the ordinary. Her worries proved to be unfounded when, after a few days of strictly following the new rules, the only reaction was a slight eyebrow raise from her own Edmund. 

Of course he would notice.

It was hard not telling Edmund about what was going on, but how could she? After all, wasn't he the reason that she was feeling this way at all? Ever since they were children, the boy had been Fanny's closest friend and confidant, there wasn't anything she'd ever been afraid to tell him. Well, until now. A part of her almost wished that he would notice her change in behavior so that she could spill all of her feelings onto her best friend the way she was used to. That same part of Fanny knew that Edmund would listen to anything she wanted to tell him; he would always be there with his kind eyes and empathetic heart to help her sort out any problem in her life. She could imagine his gentle teasing at her current distress "Are you sure you're not simply getting lost in one of your stories again, Fanny?" he would tease her with his knowing smile just barely breaking through at the side of his mouth. Even this fantasy of Edmund, imagining tousling his sandy hair and hearing his kind laughter had a calming effect of Fanny. With Edmund there were no confusing yearnings, no overwhelming obsessions; Edmund was safe. He knew her inside and out and was always by her side anyway, this was why she loved him.

No, she couldn't lose her best friend because she was jealous of the woman that had caught his attention, he was too precious to her. Her resolve had to be strong, she met Edmund's quizzical look with a bright smile that calmed any concerns that stirred in his heart.

Slowly and quietly Fanny adjusted to her new routine. Unnoticed by the rest of the residents of the house she withdrew, just slightly, from every interaction, methodically timing her glances and counting her breaths. Her rules guided her through every interaction that week as the Crawfords' presence consumed Mansfield Park. Mary's tantalizing laughter echoing in the long corridors, her nimble fingers over the piano keys in the drawing room, Mary's dark eyes boring into her from across the library, the light pressure of Mary's foot against hers at dinner -

Wait, what?

Fanny nearly choked on her potatoes at the sudden contact. She'd been so careful, how could this have happened? Desperately, her eyes scanned the table in confusion until she found the source of her problem. Being so focused on her rule of not sitting directly next to Miss Crawford had left her completely blind to possibility of sitting directly across from her, a situation that was all too quickly revealing itself to be a nightmare scenario. Fanny's heart beat out her chest as she tried to think of anything other than the pressure on her foot, tried to look anywhere except at the pair of blazing eyes that gazed intently at her from across the table. In as last ditch attempt to gain control of the situation she reached her trembling hand out to the nearest wine glass and brought it to her lips.

"Was it your intention to drink from the exact same spot that my lips just were, or is this just your way of further driving me mad?"

At Mary's words Fanny's heart dropped into her stomach and all the air escaped from her lungs. She felt heat creep up her chest and neck, threatening to expose the intensity of her feelings. _Foolish girl!_ she chastised herself. In her haste and distraction she had indeed taken the cup intended for Mary's place at the table; her own, untouched, glass sat nearby, mockingly shimmering in the dim lighting. Slowly, very slowly, she inhaled and raised her eyes to her adversary.

"If I had known- I'm sorry, I wouldn't have-" her words clunked awkwardly as she passed the goblet across the table and placed it in the outstretched hand in front of her. Time seemed to slow to a halt as their hands overlapped and Mary's soft fingers lingered in a momentary caress of Fanny's palm. It couldn't have lasted longer than a second but the touch set Fanny's skin ablaze. One light caress started a fever that spread from her fingertips and up her arm and then sent a cool shiver all the way down her spine.

The rest of the room faded away, replaced entirely by darkening eyes and berry red lips. Fanny forgot completely about tracking the seconds as she devoured the minutia of Mary's breathing. Her mouth parting just enough that Fanny could make out the soft pink tongue teasing the inside of her lips, her long elegant neck exposed by the slightest lift of her chin, her chest rising ever higher with each inhalation. With each one of Mary's breaths, Fanny felt the air between them thicken with anticipation. Nothing could break her eyes away from the other woman and almost unconsciously, their breaths began to sync up until their cadences were perfectly matched. As if in a trance, Fanny breathed deeply and let her voice flow with honeyed confidence across the table.

"I don't know which was more intoxicating, that wine or the ghost of your lips on the glass" Fanny's words sounded strange to her own ears, where was this coming from? What audacious spirit had possessed her tongue to make her speak this way?

Across the table Mary's eyes widened as she drew a sharp, quiet gasp. It was clear that Fanny's words had taken her by surprise, but she didn't seem upset. A teasing smile played at the corner of her lips as she leaned in toward the other woman. Her eyes sparkled with mischief and she bit down gently on her lower lip, never breaking the exhilarating connection with Fanny. An hour or perhaps only a fraction of a second passed this way when Mary opened her mouth to respond.

But before a single word could leave her lips the spell was broken. A loud crash at the other end of the table snapped both women from their dream-like state and reality flooded back in. Fanny's ears were ringing, she could barely make out the sound of Tom and Henry drunkenly toasting to the health of "all the beautiful women in their company". The air was thick with wine and desire that clouded all of Fanny's senses. Her head swarmed with such thoughts that she didn't even notice Edmund's concerned glances from the place next to her.

She did notice the absence of the pressure on her foot.

In a haste she excused herself and fled the room, she couldn't take another moment at that table. She couldn't stand one more second of looking at Mary after learning the fire of touching her. Her legs carried her to her room and collapsed into the closest chair. Hazily, she gazed down at the last thing she had written; her list of rules to follow around the Crawfords.

To follow around Mary Crawford.

Fanny shook her head a sighed into her hands. How easily her resolve had dropped when presented with just the slightest obstacle, how quickly she'd forgotten herself in the face of the smallest temptation! At this thought her mind began to churn on her tormenting emotions. Temptation ... Desire ... _Obsession._

Maybe he rules weren't effective because she had misidentified the demon. Suddenly, Fanny grabbed a pen to strike out her former words and scribble in new ones that fit perfectly with her heart.

_How to Handle_ **_Lust._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something about writing restrained lust while we're all prevented from seeing and touching one another is really satisfying to me. I hope you enjoy this chapter, don't be shy and leave a comment about what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> This series is for my period drama loving, secretly soft friend, but I hope you enjoy it as well!


End file.
